Wednesday, April 18, 2012
For Kris
I know this isn't how it should be done. But when have I ever followed
the norm? I told myself that I wouldn't do this. Even now I'm not sure
whether you're ever going to see this letter anyway. This is me
swallowing my pride and holding my head up. This is me doing all I can
to prove to you who I am and what I am capable of. Because I am capable
of so much more than you think. The point of this is not to come across
as desperate, or needy. I am neither of those things. I was never those
things. Don't you get that? I get that I can be fragile and when you
met me someone had already dropped me, and had broken me. I was already
in pieces when I met you and I expected you to fix me, to glue me back
together. In a way you did, but you just couldn't look past all the
cracks, those tiny lines of imperfection. Maybe I expected too much of
you, and maybe you expected too much of me; maybe we expected too much
of each other. We took each other for granted. Probably more so me than
you. I never thought we would end up like this. Don't you know that
things would have been different if I had? You never know what you have
until it's gone...I used to not get that, used to not understand what it
really meant. But I do now. I'm living the epitome of it's core. Waking
up everyday and knowing that the best thing you ever had wont be there
beside you anymore, and knowing that it's your fault? The guilt is more
than I can bear. My goal was never to hurt you. My goal was not to make
you regret me. If you wont believe anything I say atleast believe me
when I tell you I love you. That all I want for you is to be happy and
have everything you've ever wanted. That I want nothing for you but the
best. And I know I wasn't the best, not by a long shot. You always told
me I did more for you than any other girlfriend you'd ever had, but
tangible objects are not a true display of love. I was never trying to
buy your love or your trust. I just wanted you to have nice things, to
show you that I cared about you. I wasn't very good at actually showing
it, was I? I tried so hard, tried too hard to impress you. But you
had already told me you loved me, so why did I feel like I had to do
more? I guess I was scared that if I stopped your love would stop. That
you would think I didn't care anymore. That I didn't love you anymore. I
was so insecure. So scared. Stupid, I know. I had nothing to be scared
of. You were always there, always by my side. When things were rough you
held on to me and made me feel safe. But I know how much it wore on
you. You took all the emotional beatings for me until you were too
bruised to take anymore. Everyone has their breaking point. I asked too
much of you. I asked you to save me one too many times. Even Superman
has his Kryptonite. I made you feel....useless. Unwanted. Used? You
made me stronger. Better. You made me believe in myself. You made me
love myself when I was at my lowest. But there is only so much you can
do. Only I can truly fix myself. And I can only do it if I want to do it
and I'm telling you that I do. I do want to change, to be better. I'll
still be me. But a healthy me. A happy me. I want to be happy and I'm so
close to it I can almost taste it. My life used to be this big mixed up
jigsaw puzzle and I could never make anything fit the way it was
supposed to. But it does now. I can see the finished product right in
front of me. And I know that you're one of the missing pieces. If
anything else, trust me. Let me show you who I am, who I really am. I'm
not that sad, angry girl you first met, the one who always had to cling
to someone to know they loved her. I know I'm loved. A lot of people
love me and it just took me a long to see it. I can be happy. I am
happy. I feel better. So much better. I wont promise you there wont be
days that I'm upset or angry or scared, to promise you that I would be a
liar or perfect. And I'm not either of those things. I guess sometimes I
get mad at you. Not often, but sometimes. I hate the way we ended; I
guess I felt blindsided. I was angry because I felt like you were giving
up on me. On us. But I know why you did what you did. You were unhappy
and miserable. I was holding on to tight and you couldn't breathe. You
needed to get free. What kills me is that I didn't even know, that there
were a million reasons for you to go. But I know why you didn't tell
me. You were protecting me, because you were the nice guy until the very
end. Even after you told me you were done you still held me, still
wiped away my tears. You're too good for me. That's the truth, not an
exaggeration. You're the strongest person I know. The best person I've
ever met. I look up to you, even now. You inspire me a lot. You make me
want to be a better person. I know what you said, what you told me. That
we need time apart, that now is not the best time. So I did what I
could, gave you your space, your breathing room. And I did not spend
those days away from you doing nothing. I did what I promised you I
would. I've healed myself. It took me a while but I'm starting to love
myself. I can say that I love who I am. I'm not perfect, and I'm not
trying to be. But I am a nice person, I'd do anything for anyone. I'd
never hurt anyone on purpose. I'm generous, funny, smart. I am a good
person. But can you see that? When you look at me what do you see? Can
you see that I am better? That when I told you I could be everything you
deserved I meant it? A relationship is a two way street. It takes two
to make it work. Yeah, I was selfish. I didn't do my fair share. But I'm
ready now. I'm ready to make you happy, the way you should have been
all along. I get that I may have jeopardized my last chance with you by
writing this letter. I get that this may push you away. Trust me I've
read the articles and the books. But the only thing I can really rely on
is me. My intuition. My heart. And they're all telling me to fight for
you before it's too late. So this is my last try. My last attempt.
Believe the best in me. Trust me. Have some faith in me, even just a
little. I wont make a mess of things this time. Promise. It wont be like
last time. It will be better. I know my limits now. Know my boundaries.
Know what buttons not to push. If you think I haven't learned one
thing in these past weeks then you really don't know who I am. But I
think you do know. And you know I love you. And I hope you do too. I can
atleast try to believe that it is more than just wishful thinking.
Don't overanalyze this. Don't dwell on what I should have done, what I
could have done. The pros outweight the cons and you know even you can't
deny that. We were good togther. It just felt...right. I've done what I
can. Do what's best for you, not for what you think I want. This is my
last attempt. My last try. I love you.
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