For Kris

I know this isn't how it should be done. But when have I ever followed the norm? I told myself that I wouldn't do this. Even now I'm not sure whether you're ever going to see this letter anyway. This is me swallowing my pride and holding my head up. This is me doing all I can to prove to you who I am and what I am capable of. Because I am capable of so much more than you think. The point of this is not to come across as desperate, or needy. I am neither of those things. I was never those things. Don't you get that?  I get that I can be fragile and when you met me someone had already dropped me, and had broken me. I was already in pieces when I met you and I expected you to fix me, to glue me back together. In a way you did, but you just couldn't look past all the cracks, those tiny lines of imperfection. Maybe I expected too much of you, and maybe you expected too much of me; maybe we expected too much of each other. We took each other for granted. Probably more so me than you. I never thought we would end up like this. Don't you know that things would have been different if I had? You never know what you have until it's gone...I used to not get that, used to not understand what it really meant. But I do now. I'm living the epitome of it's core. Waking up everyday and knowing that the best thing you ever had wont be there beside you anymore, and knowing that it's your fault? The guilt is more than I can bear. My goal was never to hurt you. My goal was not to make you regret me. If you wont believe anything I say atleast believe me when I tell you I love you. That all I want for you is to be happy and have everything you've ever wanted.  That I want nothing for you but the best. And I know I wasn't the best, not by a long shot. You always told me I did more for you than any other girlfriend you'd ever had, but tangible objects are not a true display of love. I was never trying to buy your love or your trust. I just wanted you to have nice things, to show you that I cared about you. I wasn't very good at actually showing it,   was I?  I tried so hard, tried too hard to impress you. But you had already told me you loved me, so why did I feel like I had to do more? I guess I was scared that if I stopped your love would stop. That you would think I didn't care anymore. That I didn't love you anymore. I was so insecure. So scared. Stupid, I know. I had nothing to be scared of. You were always there, always by my side. When things were rough you held on to me and made me feel safe. But I know how much it wore on you. You took all the emotional beatings for me until you were too bruised to take anymore. Everyone has their breaking point. I asked too much of you. I asked you to save me one too many times. Even Superman has his Kryptonite. I made you feel....useless. Unwanted. Used?  You made me stronger. Better. You made me believe in myself. You made me love myself when I was at my lowest. But there is only so much you can do. Only I can truly fix myself. And I can only do it if I want to do it and I'm telling you that I do. I do want to change, to be better. I'll still be me. But a healthy me. A happy me. I want to be happy and I'm so close to it I can almost taste it. My life used to be this big mixed up jigsaw puzzle and I could never make anything fit the way it was supposed to. But it does now. I can see the finished product right in front of me. And I know that you're one of the missing pieces. If anything else, trust me. Let me show you who I am, who I really am.  I'm not that sad, angry girl you first met, the one who always had to cling to someone to know they loved her. I know I'm loved. A lot of people love me and it just took me a long to see it. I can be happy. I am happy. I feel better. So much better. I wont promise you there wont be days that I'm upset or angry or scared, to promise you that I would be a liar or perfect. And I'm not either of those things. I guess sometimes I get mad at you. Not often, but sometimes. I hate the way we ended; I guess I felt blindsided. I was angry because I felt like you were giving up on me. On us. But I know why you did what you did. You were unhappy and miserable. I was holding on to tight and you couldn't breathe. You needed to get free. What kills me is that I didn't even know, that there were a million reasons for you to go. But I know why you didn't tell me. You were protecting me, because you were the nice guy until the very end. Even after you told me you were done you still held me, still wiped away my tears. You're too good for me. That's the truth, not an exaggeration. You're the strongest person I know. The best person I've ever met. I look up to you, even now. You inspire me a lot. You make me want to be a better person. I know what you said, what you told me. That we need time apart, that now is not the best time. So I did what I could, gave you your space, your breathing room. And I did not spend those days away from you doing nothing. I did what I promised you I would. I've healed myself. It took me a while but I'm starting to love myself. I can say that I love who I am. I'm not perfect, and I'm not trying to be. But I am a nice person, I'd do anything for anyone. I'd never hurt anyone on purpose. I'm generous, funny, smart. I am a good person. But can you see that? When you look at me what do you see? Can you see that I am better? That when I told you I could be everything you deserved I meant it?  A relationship is a two way street. It takes two to make it work. Yeah, I was selfish. I didn't do my fair share. But I'm ready now. I'm ready to make you happy, the way you should have been all along. I get that I may have jeopardized my last chance with you by writing this letter. I get that this may push you away. Trust me I've read the articles and the books. But the only thing I can really rely on is me. My intuition. My heart. And they're all telling me to fight for you before it's too late. So this is my last try. My last attempt. Believe the best in me. Trust me. Have some faith in me, even just a little. I wont make a mess of things this time. Promise. It wont be like last time. It will be better. I know my limits now. Know my boundaries. Know what buttons not to push.  If you think I haven't learned one thing in these past weeks then you really don't know who I am. But I think you do know. And you know I love you. And I hope you do too. I can atleast try to believe that it is more than just wishful thinking. Don't overanalyze this. Don't dwell on what I should have done, what I could have done. The pros outweight the cons and you know even you can't deny that. We were good togther. It just felt...right.  I've done what I can. Do what's best for you, not for what you think I want. This is my last attempt. My last try. I love you.