Sometimes Sorry Isn't Enough

You say you don't know what you were thinking
Well neither do I
And after the time we spent together
You think you deserve another try

Well boy I don't know what it is
That you're expecting
Just because you looked me in the eye

And say you're sorry
Oh you're sorry
You want it back the way it was
Well I'm sorry
Sometimes sorry
Just ain't good enough

You say you never meant to hurt me
Well that might be true
But do you really think I should forgive you
For what you put me through

Oh I remember every time you said you loved me
But I know now your love was just a lie

And you say you're sorry
Oh you're sorry
You want it back the way it was
Well I'm sorry
Sometimes sorry
Just ain't good enough

What Do You Want?

Why’d you call me today with nothing new to say?
You pretend it’s just hello, but you know what it does to me to see your number on the phone.

Now tell me, what do you want? What do you want? What do you want from me?
Are you tryin’ to bring back the tears or just the memories?
You keep takin’ me back, takin’ me back where I’ve already been.
When we hang up it’s almost like I’m losing you again.
Can’t you see? So what do you want, what do you want from me?

I get so tired of living like this.
I don’t have the time, neither do my friends,
To stay up at night, to pull me through,
And to find the things to keep my mind off of you.

So, now tell me, what do you want? What do you want? What do you want from me?
Did you call to say you’ve find someone and I’m a used- to- be.
You keep takin’ me back, takin’ me back where I’ve already been.
If you’ve moved on why does it feel like I’m losing you again?
Can’t you see? So what do you want? What do you want from me?

What do you want me to say?
That I’m content? That I’m on the fence? That I wish you would’ve stayed?

Oh baby what do you want, what do you want, what do you want from me?
To come here and make love tonight cause you’re feelin’ lonely.
You keep takin’ me back, takin’ me back where I’ve already been.
When we wake up and say goodbye it’s like I’m losing you again.
Can’t you see? So what do you want, what do you want from me?
What do you want, what do you want from me?

I Give Up

I’m so sick, of trying to please so many people. I try my best to be there for people and they throw it back in my face. I’m sick of people judging me, people blaming me for things that I didn’t even do or was never a part of. Stop expecting so much from people because all you are going to get in return is the feeling of being let down. No one understands how hard it is sometimes and everyone just seems so self centered these days that they don’t even have enough time to care. You’re just lucky that I don’t treat people the way that I have been treated.

How Can You Do This To Me?

How can you do this to me? Make me fall in love with you. I fell for every word you said. I thought you were different. I thought you loved me. You walk in and out of my life when you please. You go days, even weeks without phone calls or texts. You leave me hanging on a thread. All because you know I’d do anything for you. You use me till you find someone better. I used to think it was just me being jealous, but then reality set in. Everyone started telling me that they saw it to. The sad thing is, no matter how much shit you put me through, I can’t ever let go of you. I can’t move on. I’ve tried. I only hurt myself and others in the end. I’m nothing but a play toy to you. Congratulations, you’ve ruined my life once again.

For Kris

I know this isn't how it should be done. But when have I ever followed the norm? I told myself that I wouldn't do this. Even now I'm not sure whether you're ever going to see this letter anyway. This is me swallowing my pride and holding my head up. This is me doing all I can to prove to you who I am and what I am capable of. Because I am capable of so much more than you think. The point of this is not to come across as desperate, or needy. I am neither of those things. I was never those things. Don't you get that?  I get that I can be fragile and when you met me someone had already dropped me, and had broken me. I was already in pieces when I met you and I expected you to fix me, to glue me back together. In a way you did, but you just couldn't look past all the cracks, those tiny lines of imperfection. Maybe I expected too much of you, and maybe you expected too much of me; maybe we expected too much of each other. We took each other for granted. Probably more so me than you. I never thought we would end up like this. Don't you know that things would have been different if I had? You never know what you have until it's gone...I used to not get that, used to not understand what it really meant. But I do now. I'm living the epitome of it's core. Waking up everyday and knowing that the best thing you ever had wont be there beside you anymore, and knowing that it's your fault? The guilt is more than I can bear. My goal was never to hurt you. My goal was not to make you regret me. If you wont believe anything I say atleast believe me when I tell you I love you. That all I want for you is to be happy and have everything you've ever wanted.  That I want nothing for you but the best. And I know I wasn't the best, not by a long shot. You always told me I did more for you than any other girlfriend you'd ever had, but tangible objects are not a true display of love. I was never trying to buy your love or your trust. I just wanted you to have nice things, to show you that I cared about you. I wasn't very good at actually showing it,   was I?  I tried so hard, tried too hard to impress you. But you had already told me you loved me, so why did I feel like I had to do more? I guess I was scared that if I stopped your love would stop. That you would think I didn't care anymore. That I didn't love you anymore. I was so insecure. So scared. Stupid, I know. I had nothing to be scared of. You were always there, always by my side. When things were rough you held on to me and made me feel safe. But I know how much it wore on you. You took all the emotional beatings for me until you were too bruised to take anymore. Everyone has their breaking point. I asked too much of you. I asked you to save me one too many times. Even Superman has his Kryptonite. I made you feel....useless. Unwanted. Used?  You made me stronger. Better. You made me believe in myself. You made me love myself when I was at my lowest. But there is only so much you can do. Only I can truly fix myself. And I can only do it if I want to do it and I'm telling you that I do. I do want to change, to be better. I'll still be me. But a healthy me. A happy me. I want to be happy and I'm so close to it I can almost taste it. My life used to be this big mixed up jigsaw puzzle and I could never make anything fit the way it was supposed to. But it does now. I can see the finished product right in front of me. And I know that you're one of the missing pieces. If anything else, trust me. Let me show you who I am, who I really am.  I'm not that sad, angry girl you first met, the one who always had to cling to someone to know they loved her. I know I'm loved. A lot of people love me and it just took me a long to see it. I can be happy. I am happy. I feel better. So much better. I wont promise you there wont be days that I'm upset or angry or scared, to promise you that I would be a liar or perfect. And I'm not either of those things. I guess sometimes I get mad at you. Not often, but sometimes. I hate the way we ended; I guess I felt blindsided. I was angry because I felt like you were giving up on me. On us. But I know why you did what you did. You were unhappy and miserable. I was holding on to tight and you couldn't breathe. You needed to get free. What kills me is that I didn't even know, that there were a million reasons for you to go. But I know why you didn't tell me. You were protecting me, because you were the nice guy until the very end. Even after you told me you were done you still held me, still wiped away my tears. You're too good for me. That's the truth, not an exaggeration. You're the strongest person I know. The best person I've ever met. I look up to you, even now. You inspire me a lot. You make me want to be a better person. I know what you said, what you told me. That we need time apart, that now is not the best time. So I did what I could, gave you your space, your breathing room. And I did not spend those days away from you doing nothing. I did what I promised you I would. I've healed myself. It took me a while but I'm starting to love myself. I can say that I love who I am. I'm not perfect, and I'm not trying to be. But I am a nice person, I'd do anything for anyone. I'd never hurt anyone on purpose. I'm generous, funny, smart. I am a good person. But can you see that? When you look at me what do you see? Can you see that I am better? That when I told you I could be everything you deserved I meant it?  A relationship is a two way street. It takes two to make it work. Yeah, I was selfish. I didn't do my fair share. But I'm ready now. I'm ready to make you happy, the way you should have been all along. I get that I may have jeopardized my last chance with you by writing this letter. I get that this may push you away. Trust me I've read the articles and the books. But the only thing I can really rely on is me. My intuition. My heart. And they're all telling me to fight for you before it's too late. So this is my last try. My last attempt. Believe the best in me. Trust me. Have some faith in me, even just a little. I wont make a mess of things this time. Promise. It wont be like last time. It will be better. I know my limits now. Know my boundaries. Know what buttons not to push.  If you think I haven't learned one thing in these past weeks then you really don't know who I am. But I think you do know. And you know I love you. And I hope you do too. I can atleast try to believe that it is more than just wishful thinking. Don't overanalyze this. Don't dwell on what I should have done, what I could have done. The pros outweight the cons and you know even you can't deny that. We were good togther. It just felt...right.  I've done what I can. Do what's best for you, not for what you think I want. This is my last attempt. My last try. I love you.

You wont be her first......

You arent going to be her first, her last, or her only. She's loved before, she will love again, but if she loves you now what else matters? Shes not perfect. You arent either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if she can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and admits to being human and making mistakes, hold on to her and give her the most you can. She isnt going to quote poetry, shes not thinking about you every moment, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you could break. Dont hurt her, dont change her, dont expect more than she can give. Dont analyze. Smile when she makes you happy, yell when she makes you mad, and miss her when shes not there. Love hard when there is love to be had.
I guess to some extent, you get used to being alone. You get used to not expecting phone calls & having nothing to do at night. You don’t expect to turn around to open arms any longer. The small sounds of him have been replaced by silence. Your thoughts echo through your head, with no one to share them with. All in all, being alone isn’t terrible, it just hurts like hell. There are so many things I wish I could tell you, but I can't. I'm not sure if you would ever understand because I don't understand half of it. I want to be with you so bad, but I'm so afraid of getting hurt and because of that, I end up getting hurt more. I can sit here and say that I don't care about you and that I'm not going to let you hurt me, and just by saying that I know that you can and have. It’s not your fault, it never is. It’s me.
    I’m sorry I’m not what you expected.I’m sorry I’m sometimes shy. And sometimes I don’t look good.I’m sorry sometimes I don’t make sense. And for all the times I’ve spoke my mind.I’m sorry sometimes I’m stupidAnd my mind has left me.I’m sorry that I can’t always live up to your expectations,Or be nice.I’m sorry I can’t be a better person.I’m sorry for what I sayAnd think.I’m sorry for everything I amAnd will become.I’m sorry that you can’t accept me.I’m sorry I’m only human.I can't take it anymore. Everyone thinks I'm indestructible, the girl who never flinches, the girl who always has a smile on her face, the girl who's gone through nothing, the girl who has no scars and I'm tired of it. I don't want to live behind a wall of laughter and smiles anymore. I want people to understand me, I want people to understand how hard it is to be me and to have to deal with all of this shit and still be expected to be happy. It's not fair. Why can everyone else just fall apart but I have to keep it together?I've learned that stuff happens, people change, and it doesnt mean you forget the past or try to cover it up. it simply means that you move on and treasure the memories, letting go doesnt mean giving up, its just accepting the fact that some things werent meant to be..

You Wanna Know How I Feel?

Sometimes I wonder what's really going on in your head, what you really feel, what you really think.

About me.

You know how I feel. I make sure I tell you everyday. Not because I think you'll forget, but because I want you to know how much you are worth fighting for. So you never doubt me. Never have a reason to hesitate about me.

I know you're scared. You don't wanna get hurt again, or have your heart broken. You even told me you were afraid to lose me permanently.

But I'm scared too.

Everytime I ask you how you feel about me, you never seem to know what to say or you change the subject. I know it sounds so childish, that I have to have a reason for why you want me. But you know I've been used before and hurt before too. So yes, I do wanna know how you feel about me. Exactly how you feel. So I know that this is genuine. That what you feel is valid. I want to know why those other girs weren't chosen; the prettier ones, the smarter ones, the funnier ones. Why ME?

I just...want to know.

If you love me tell me. Hearts are often broken by words left unspoken....

How Could You Be So Cruel?

How could you be so cruel?
Some people are just out right mean and nasty.
They think they don’t owe anyone anything and that they are the shit.
You’ll hardly see them smile or say a nice word about anyone.
All they do is complain about people they don’t like.
The worst part is their righteous attitude.
Like they are just so much better than you at everything.
They’re, hotter, more badass, have hotter friends, party more.
Like, what does that do for them? I don’t understand how that can be a satisfying way of life.
The whole ‘fuck everything’ attitude.
Actually makes me sad that they don’t care about anything. All they care about is being better than you and putting you down, making you miserable.
Don’t let them do that to you, don’t let them take your smile and don’t let them take your beauty.
I have been known to be one of these girls, but once I actually started to realize I was becoming a monster, someone I wasn’t proud of, I still had people by my side.
Those are my true friends.
Not scowling, immature, nasty girls. I can grow and change, but they’ll always be that way.
You can’t photoshop an ugly heart.

You Dare Tell Me You Love Me

Sparkling grey,
They're my own veins.
Any more than a whisper,
Any sudden movement of my heart.
And I know, I know I'll have to watch them pass away

Just get through this day

Give up your way, you could be anything,
Give up my way, and lose myself, not today
That's too much guilt to pay

Sickened in the sun
You dare tell me you love me
But you held me down and screamed you wanted me to die
Honey you know, you know I'd never hurt you that way

You're just so pretty in your pain

Give up my way, and I could be anything
I'll make my own way
Without your senseless hate... hate... hate... hate.

So run, run, run
And hate me, if it feels good.
I can't hear your screams anymore

You lied to me
But I'm older now
And I'm not buying baby

Demanding my response
Don't bother breaking the door down
I found my way out

And you'll never hurt me again.

In My Time Of Need

"I can't see the meaning of this life I'm leading, I try to forget you as you forgot me
This time there is nothing left for you to take, this is goodbye
Summe is miles and miles away, and no one would ask me to stay

And I, should contemplate this change to ease the pain.
And I, should step out of the rain, turn away.

Close to ending it all I am drifting through the stages of the rapture born within this loss
Thoughts of death inside, tear me apart from the core of my soul
Summer is miles and miles away, and no one would ask me to stay

And I, should contemplate this change, to ease the pain.
And I, should step out of the rain, turn away.

At times, the dark's fading slowly, but it never sustains.
Would someone watch over me, In my time of need.
Summer is miles and miles away, and no one would ask me to stay

And I, should contemplate this change, to ease the pain.
And I, should step out of the rain, turn away.
And I, should contemplate this change, to ease the pain.
And I, should step out of the rain, turn away."

It's like trying to fit that one puzzle piece in, you know it wont, but you keep trying to make it work...

I feel like you've put me on this pedestal...and I'm scared to death cause I'm not this person of perfection that you've made me out to be.  You're expectations are too high, out of reach. I'll never be who you claim I am. I'm..

Nothing.

You don't really get me, or my life. How could you? How could you understand? So we pretend it never happened, pretend everything is ok. But I don't wanna play make believe with you anymore. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells with you all the time, always afraid to speak, afraid to ask for your hand.....

Cause I'm drowning.

You've already told me once that my life was to blame for our first downfall. I was to blame. Because I got a little weak, because I was a little scared. And all I wanted was you, I needed you. You turned your back on me when things got a little rough. And now you think I've changed.

I haven't.

I'm just pretending. Isn't that the way you like it? Pretending everything is going to be ok when we really know it's just gonna blow up in our face later? But no, I'll play your game. I'll tell you my life is going good, great even. Tell you I'm happy and smile and laugh, just to make sure YOU'RE happy. To make sure I don't upset YOU again. God forbid if I say or do the wrong thing. I'm always watching my every step, to make sure I don't step on any toes.

This game is fun isn't it?

You're not me. Maybe if you were and you lived in my shoes for 10 minutes, you'd realize how strong I really am. Yeah I remember, remember that day you called me weak. I've made mistakes and so have you, that doesn't make me weak. I've come out pretty well for all the insanity I've been dealt. Before you point your fingers make sure your hands are clean. You just don't get it. Why can't it be enough that I love you and want to be there for you? That I want to make sure you're happy? When will I evet be what you need? Why is it that I'm always needing you, wanting you, loving you and it's never the other way around?

But I'll sit here and bite my tongue. Cause I'd rather be with you and have you use me as your puppet, break me down, kill what's left of me.

Then for me to not have you at all.